


Crack Ships

by Fandom_Equestrian



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, F/F, F/M, I hate myself, M/M, Other, more tags will be added, oneshots, please leave requests
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-11-23 09:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20889788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Equestrian/pseuds/Fandom_Equestrian
Summary: I'm no good at writing quality works, so here. I shall contribute to the fandom in the dumbest way possible: crack ships. Please leave requests!





	1. Luther x Desmond the Moon Bear

**Author's Note:**

> This is the dumbest thing that I have ever done, but possibly just what I need to get out of my writers’ block! Please feel free to leave requests, and if I feel it, I’ll write it. :)

Like Glass (Luther x Desmond the Moon Bear)  
The loneliness really got to him sometimes, a feeling that nagged and clawed at his insides. Sitting in his tiny space station, marinating in the dark solitude, his heart craved for interaction. Touch. Connection. It was one of the most basic human needs, yet one so often overlooked. What was the point of living if there was no one to share it with?  
  
Whenever it got too bad, he would shake it off, reminding himself that he was doing critical work - work that could be fulfilled by no one but him. Dad had said so himself. This data-gathering was a vitally important task for the last remaining member of the Academy. How was he to refuse?  
  
Still, he missed Allison. He missed the rest of his siblings, too. Even Diego, who had been a thorn in his side his whole life, would be preferable company to the darkness.  
  
His alarm was going off, and he groaned. It was tempting to just turn it off and go back to sleep. After all, who would know? His single potted plant wouldn’t be likely to snitch.  
  
He stood, going about his automatic routine that he’d being going through for the last three and a half years. The motions were practically robotic now. And, he’d discovered, that if he clanged and jostled and made as much noise as possible, he could almost fool himself into thinking that there was someone else there with him.  
  
As he opened the door to his station and exited, something strange caught his eye. Having lived there for so long, he’d memorized every little rock, snag, and bump in the terrain. So it did not go unnoticed that there was a new figure, about a football field away.  
  
An extraterrestrial being? It was the first answer that his mind offered him. But that was… insane. Definitely not.  
  
Maybe something had caused the ground to shift, and it was a new rock?  
  
Investigation, whatever it turned out to be, was inevitable. He took leaping strides closer, until he was only a few feet away. The real answer only served to stump him even more.  
  
It was a large brown bear, standing up on its hind legs.  
  
As he puzzled at the very out-of-place creature, it turned, locking eyes with him.  
  
The bear looked just as confused as he felt. Having grown up with a talking monkey butler, Luther only jumped a little when the bear opened up its mouth to speak.  
  
“How did I get here?”  
  
Luther cleared his throat. While conversing with another species wasn’t unfamiliar to him, he simply wasn’t expecting to have to with this bear. On the moon. “I can’t say that I know the answer to that.”  
  
The bear nodded, still looking thoroughly stumped. “Well, how did you get here?”  
  
“A rocket ship,” he replied. “But I think I would’ve heard one landing to drop you off, since its so quiet up here.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t know how you got here.”  
  
An awkward silence lulled.  
  
Luther extended his hand. “Luther Hargreeves. Nice to meet you.”  
  
“Desmond,” the bear took the hand in his large paw. It was strange for Luther to feel like his hand was small in comparison to another.  
  
“Why don’t you come back to my station with me?” he suggested. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to invite a potentially-amnesiac talking bear into his temporary home, but desperation for companionship over-rode self-preservation. Besides, this Desmond fellow didn’t seem too threatening.  
  
Together, they made their way back to the station. Luther had to slow down a bit as Desmond first figured out how to maneuver himself in the lack of gravity.  
  
He chuckled a bit when the bear jumped a tad too high and flailed his paws about to regain balance. “You’ll get your moon legs soon enough - it takes a little while.”  
  
Desmond only gave a shaky, disoriented smile in return once his back legs were back on the ground.  
  
Once back at the station, Luther grimaced at his overflowing dumpster, and then remembered the slight disarray inside. “I’m sorry about the mess - I wasn’t exactly expecting company.”  
  
“No bothers,” Desmond dismissed. “I wasn’t expecting to intrude, either.”  
  
They both made their way inside, and it was a little cramped between the large bear and Luther’s post-serum body, but it made the atmosphere feel a little warmer.  
  
“No intrusion,” Luther eased. “It gets really lonely up here.”  
  
“I can imagine,” Desmond nodded. “I couldn’t imagine if I had woken up on the other side of the moon, or if you hadn’t found me.”  
  
Luther hummed in agreement. “So, um… You’re from Earth?”  
  
“Yes,” Desmond confirmed. “There’s not a secret alien race of bears out there, as far as I know. The other day I was just minding my own business, eating some garbage, and that’s the last thing I can remember before this.”  
  
It was certainly a strange origin story to his arrival on the moon. And one that didn’t make much sense. Both parties appeared to be equally confused.  
  
“And the talking? Have you always been able to speak English?”  
  
Desmond shrugged. “I’ve never really tried. Usually I just roar at humans and they go away.”  
  
Luther laughed. “You don’t want me to go away?”  
  
“Like you said: It’s lonely up here.”  
  
Luther nodded.  
  
Desmond suddenly had another thought. “You’re not all human, though. I can smell it. Have you considered that perhaps it is you being able to understand me, rather than me speaking your human language to you?”  
  
He had not. The idea sounded slightly absurd. He was injected with ape DNA and granted the ability to converse with bears? Doubtful.  
  
Then again, he was sitting in a space station on the moon and talking to a bear, so pretty much anything could be possible.  
  
“Thank you for finding me, and inviting me into your home,” Desmond spoke.  
  
“No problem,” Luther grinned. “The silence was starting to get to me, and I was missing my family. I’m glad you showed up when you did.”  
  
Once again they were overtaken by silence, but this time it was not uncomfortable. The two were both relishing in the feeling of not being alone in such a desolate place. Suddenly, through one of the windows, Luther caught a glimpse of some sunlight beginning to glint over the horizon.  
  
He stood, gesturing for his new friend to do the same. “I have something to show you. It’s the one part of being here that almost makes the rest worth it.”  
  
Desmond beamed, getting up to follow.

  



	2. Five x Gun

Two Killers (Five x Gun)  
“You’re so beautiful,” Five muttered under his breath. If any of his coworkers at the Commission ever witnessed such softness coming from him, he’d never live it down. But he was alone here, preparing for his current solo mission in the privacy of his hotel room.  
  
The mission was a simple one: murder a baker. This would incur an impossibly long yet carefully calculated chain of events. He was to be as messy as possible with his victim, causing the whole street to be closed down as a crime scene. Irritated commuters would honk their horns in the morning at the inconvenience. This would wake a security guard living down the street. He would be compelled to investigate what was happening in his neighborhood, and, seeing such a disturbing scene only a little ways from his house, he would be rendered unable to sleep for the rest of the day. As he worked the night shift, he would have to call in sick. Ultimately, this would be the last string pulled in ensuring the Alcatraz Prison Break went according to plan.  
  
The mission would also be enjoyable because Five would be assisted in his work by his favorite possession. His gun.  
  
Well, she wasn’t so much of a possession. They were more like partners. Two cold-blooded killers, out in the world to fulfill the work of their superiors. They were both tools, living under the finger of whoever controlled them. Neither got the liberty of choosing who or when to kill, only living to carry out the wishes of others. Through these parallels, a bond was soon struck.  
  
He smiled as he wiped a soft rag over her cold exterior, polishing it. “If Delores knew the way I treated you, she would be furious.”  
  
The gun sat there, like an inanimate object, but after years of partnership Five knew exactly how to interpret her metallic glint.  
  
“As much as I don’t like lying to her, you’re right. This has to be our little secret. Now, let’s hurry up and splatter this baker’s brains,” Five tucked her securely inside of his jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing these is crushing my soul.


	3. Pogo x The Handler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might want to emotionally prepare yourself before reading this one.

Like Lovers Do (Handler x Pogo)  
Vanya reached across the kitchen table of her childhood home to shake the hand of a tall, attractive woman. The handshake was met with a blindingly white smile, which Vanya attempted to return. “I’m Vanya.”

“They call me The Handler, but you can call me Handler.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” Klaus questioned from his seat on the edge of the table. 

“Subtracting the ‘The,’” she said, her plastered-on grin relaxing into more of a little smirk, but still present.

Klaus made an ‘oh’ face.

It was weird seeing any new faces within the thick walls of the Academy, but the circumstances of this meeting were especially strange. Disturbingly, Klaus had entered the dining area a few minutes prior and found Pogo locking lips with some strange woman. Naturally, he flipped out and ran to tell the first person he could find. This just so happened to be Vanya.

Vanya didn’t have anything against Pogo finding a… lover(?). However, it was highly unexpected. Certainly not what she would have expected to stumble upon this morning. 

Pogo kind of felt like a grandfather to them, and anyone would be at least a tad disturbed to find their grandfather in the midst of a heated makeout session with a much younger lady. And that was ignoring the whole matter of species.

“I hope you both aren’t too upset about me and my Pogurt,” Handler spoke.

The nickname grated on Vanya, and Klaus let out a quick laugh. “No, no,” Vanya excused. “We just had no idea that Pogo was seeing anybody.”

Pogo was certainly looking embarrassed, which was an oddity in itself. The monkey butler had always seemed so sure of himself, but now he was witnessing the scene unfolding before him like an awkward, sweaty teenager. To his credit, he cleared his throat and spoke like he was more composed. “We’ve been hoping to arrange a meeting between all of you sometime soon. It hasn’t been going on for very long yet, but we discussed it and decided that she was ready to meet the family.”

“I’m happy for you, Pogo,” Vanya said honestly. Even Pogo had someone special in his life. Although, with Leonard becoming a more regular presence in her life, she might not be so alone anymore…

“Thank you, Ms. Vanya,” Pogo smiled gratefully.

“So, does Mom have any secret lovers we need to meet?” Klaus interjected.

The question went unanswered as there was a flash of blue and suddenly Five was in the kitchen with them. He didn’t even bother looking up as he grabbed for the peanut butter. “So, I’ve been doing some thinking about the apoc…”

He was cut off by Pogo. “Before we discuss more about that, there’s someone that I’ve been wanting you to meet.” In a sudden show of bravery, he grabbed her hand. The Handler bent down a little so that he could press a kiss to her cheek.

Five’s eyes finally travelled to the new guest in the room, and his eyes flashed with furious recognition. “What are you doing here?! Get away from my family!” A gun was suddenly in his hand, aimed at the Handler.

The Handler quirked her brow, almost looking amused, as the rest of the occupants in the room panicked. 

“Stop it! That’s Pogo’s new girlfriend!” Vanya hurriedly explained, not sure why this had elicited this reaction.

As Five looked closer, taking in their conjoined hands and the way the were leaning into each other, both his face and the gun fell. “Pogo’s new…” His voice trailed off. First, he donned an expression of horror, which then clicked into complete and utter resignation.

He turned, leaving the room without another word.

“Hey, mi hermano!” Klaus called out. “Where are you going?”

“Back to the apocalypse,” Five said, disappearing in a flash of blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't say that I didn't warn you.


	4. Agnes x Abyssinian Lovebird

You Are My Wings (Agnes x Abyssinian Lovebird)  
Agnes had been sitting outside Griddy’s for over an hour now, waiting for her special someone to arrive. She was very patient; as a professional bird-watcher, you had to be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

And come he did, as a beautiful green, black, and red Abyssinian Lovebird finally came into sight.

Agnes beamed, and gave a high-pitched whistle. It was not the call of that type of bird, but after many meetings between the two, he had come to associate it with her presence.

The bird glided over on outstretched wings, landing on the armrest of the bench she was sitting on.

“Jack, you beautiful specimen,” she greeted him.

“Hello,” he squawked, hopping closer. 

The encounters between the two of them began nearly two years ago. Jack, at the time only a juvenile, did not yet view people as a threat. After much patient coaxing from Agnes, he had warmed to her presence. Being such an intelligent creature, he had picked up several words that he liked to parrot to her, namely “Hello,” “Goodbye,” and “Donut.”

She progressively saw him more and more, until every morning, lunch break, and evening was spent in each others’ company. 

“Donut?” he questioned eagerly, cocking his head.

She chuckled, opening her palm to reveal the donut crumbs she had brought him. Yesterday’s stale donuts always made good bird treats when crumbled, and she liked to pass them out to all her birdy friends. Old fashioned glazed, however, were saved exclusively for Jack.

He chirped in excitement, before beginning to gently pick the morsels from her hand. 

As he ate, she lifted her other hand to pet his soft feathers. He was six and a half inches tall - large for his kind. His green body, black highlights, and red-dusted head were very well conformed to his breeding. She didn’t know where he came from, and she’d long ago accepted that she’d only be able to guess. The Abyssinian Lovebird wasn’t one of the species regularly populating the area, so he must’ve been imported. Either as a pet or part of an exhibit. And then something happened, and he wound up in the wild. Whatever his story was, it had led the two of them together.

Her fingers grazed over an old scar on his neck. Once when she had been offering her goods to the neighborhood fauna, a crow had gotten pushy and knocked Jack out of the air. On the ground, the black bird had continued to fight her lover.

While Jack was intelligent beyond comparison, he meek stature was nothing against the brawn and talons of the crow. 

In a show of anger that she didn’t know she possessed, Agnes ran over, drew her foot back, and kicked the crow back into the sky. At first, she’d been horrified with herself. But then she looked down and saw the gash on his neck, and knew that she did what she had to. 

The next few nights were spent in prayer that her Jack would be there to greet her the next morning. And, thankfully, he stayed close to the donut shop until he was fully healed from the ordeal.

Her reminiscing of that terrible day was interrupted by Hazel, who had called for her. 

“Agnes, my jelly-filled baby?” Hazel tried again.

She should love Hazel. He was good to her, and he offered real, human companionship. Still, she just didn’t feel anything for him in the way that she felt for Jack.

Sensing the shift in mood, Jack chirped, “Hello?” He didn’t know a great many words, but he was able to convey what he needed to with what he had.

“I’m sorry,” she grimaced. “I have to go. I’ll be back tomorrow, my darling.” She emptied what was left in her pockets onto the bench for him to have, and stood.

He cocked his head at her departure - usually she stayed until he was the one to leave. Understanding, he said, “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Jack,” she gave a little wave before going back inside the shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pros of writing this: It's weirdly cute? Also I can spell Abyssinian on my first try now.
> 
> Cons of writing this: I feel like my dwindling sanity is only diminishing with every pairing.


	5. Kenny x Temps Commission Agent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as such a weird, abstract idea in my head but now I feel like it's actually plausible? Idk maybe I'm just losing it

Birthdays and Gunfire (Kenny x Temps Commission Agent)  
This mission was different for agent Mikey Kessinger. For his coworkers, it was a run of the mill, typical assignment. Sure, the methods were a little more intrusive to the timeline than the Commission’s usual style, but anything pertaining to the apocalypse tended to be larger scale. 

For Mikey, however, it was closer to home than he was used to.

Actually, he wasn’t even assigned to this task. He had pulled several strings to get to this exact bowling alley, on this exact day. Killing the Umbrella Academy to keep the apocalypse on course was only a side job for him. His main goal was to find forgiveness for something (someone) he wasn’t there for a long time ago.

His recruitment to the Temps Commission had been very spur-of-the-moment, and not at all thought out. He was only thirteen at the time, a young boy in a vulnerable point of his life. His father had just left, his mother was an abusive alcoholic, and on top of all that he was dealing with his own blossoming sexuality. Of course when he was approached by a man with promises of a new, important life, he agreed.

He did not pay attention to all of the anti-kidnapping stuff they try to teach kids. 

However, he did have to leave someone behind. His best friend (they would deny ever being more), Kenny. He had actually been on his way to this party decades ago when he was intercepted by the Commission, and he never got to attend. 

Over the years, he regretted not being there for Kenny. He knew what fate was to befall his childhood friend a few hours into his bowling-themed party, but he still wished for the chance to go back. He was a grown man now, and had long ago accepted his sexuality. He wondered what might have happened if Kenny - sweet, caring, innocent Kenny - and him had had the chance to grow up together. 

Maybe they would’ve grown old together. Maybe they wouldn’t, but the bittersweet memories of being each others’ first loves would follow them for the rest of their lives.

But he would never know, because this night was the night that Mikey left the timeline to begin training for the Commission and the night Kenny would burn with the rest of the world.

He had a plan, and it was risky. There was one slight thing change that he’d made tonight that would change everything - he tinkered with the scopes on his coworkers’ guns. They would have stormtrooper-level aim all night, and more than likely, would be unable to kill their targets. 

After that, his plan was rocky and circumstantial at best. But he would try. For now, though, he had something he needed to do. 

One of their targets, an eccentric-looking man with a tattoo from the Vietnam War that just screamed time travel, shouted, “Maybe they’re here for Kenny’s birthday?!”

Well, he wasn’t wrong. A little, wrapped package crinkled in his pocket, and he quickly pulled it out to place it on the presents table. 

He saw Kenny then, hiding under the table half-shielded by his mother. Both were looking directly at him, shaking in terror. 

Grown and masked, neither would recognize the little Mikey Kessinger that they’d seen that morning. Needing to keep up the charade, he raised his gun, and fired a round towards where the targets were fleeing across the alleys. Idiots. If he hadn’t sabotaged the mission, they would’ve all undoubtedly been shot. 

As the targets escaped to save the world and his coworkers lowered their guns in frustration and confusion (Terry had been defeated by a cake, for goodness sake), he smiled to himself. He would find a way back to Kenny, and this time he wouldn’t be leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized how this might be seen as pedophilic but it's really not


	6. Diego x Beeman

Notice Me, Please (Diego x Detective Beeman)  
The police department was governed by strict rules and procedures. Every officer and detective was well versed in these rules, and followed them to a T. Beeman himself worked his very hardest to stick to procedure, and so did his partner, Detective Eudora Patch.

At least, they tried to. However there was an ever-constant thorn in their side, working simultaneously alongside them but just distant enough to not be touched by the department’s protocols. Honestly, the masked vigilante who called himself Diego should’ve been arrested a long time ago. No one wanted to lock him away though, for two reasons: he actually helped, and he was mildly terrifying.

There shouldn’t be anything particularly terrifying about a guy in a dumb black suit stopping crime and brooding around the city like a knock-off Batman. But every officer and detective alike had been to at least one of the crime scenes handled by Diego, and the pure professionalism and skilled execution with which they were left was enough to send chills down your spine. 

Diego had also taken a closer liking to Detective Patch, and Beeman was fairly certain that they’d had a more intimate relationship at one point. The vigilante took advantage of every part of the department, but his working with Patch and Beeman had grown to a more personal level. 

It was almost expected to have him pop up at every crime scene, ask a bunch of questions that they weren’t supposed to give him the answers to, flirt with Eudora, and leave. Usually within a few hours the culprit would be anonymously turned in.

Lately, Beeman couldn’t deny that Diego’s presence was almost looked forward to. Especially on a slow day, when he turned up at the station and just begged them for a bit to give him something to do. When they didn’t, he would just stick around and annoy them for a while.

Very unfortunately, he found himself succumbing to the charms of homeless Batman. The man was quick-witted with a sense of humor darker than his clothing choice. 

And he really did look good in that dumb black suit.

Diego really didn’t speak directly to Beeman, though, besides anything pertaining to the current case. He was infatuated with Eudora. He had to watch as Diego charmed her pants off, but she only rolled her eyes and threatened to arrest him on multiple occasions (one time she did). Still, he kept coming back. To her.

Yeah, Beeman was jealous. No, he was not proud of it.

He had to get over this, though. This wasn’t middle school - he was not about to fight his best friend over the bad boy of the minute. And if that meant coping with third wheeling in his own partnership, then so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12 years of public education so I can be literate enough to write this.


End file.
